Life is still worth living

I didn't get much of anything done today. Was a strange day, because everything seemed rather mixed up; including my sense of time. I'm ready for sleeping pills, and some uninterupted hours.

How does one lose his pride without losing his self esteem? I'd say it's tricky if his self esteem was entirely built on pride. Perhaps not all of it is though... We shall see.

May I learn to boast only in Christ Jesus.
Today's chapter in Acts was inspiring. It told of how a man came to Paul and predicted his imprisonment and mistreatment in Jerusalem. When his friends tried to convince him to stay away, he said 'Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.'
I was struck by his reaction to the attitude of his friends. It just brings that much more sight to the fact that Paul was truly intent upon living out God's will for him. It broke his heart that those who loved him, couldn't fully understand that and encourage him.
Paul was a man of abandonment...

Daydreams

Tonight I feel empty. I need You Lord. Nothing else can fill me... I long to feel the Joy that You give. I'm at the end of my rope... Could you hold me?

The reply I promised

First... Derek if you're reading this, please forgive me for not replying to your two most recent posts like I promised. Part of my problem was that I had trouble remembering my username and password for my livejournal site. Embarrassing, but normal for me. The other part... was that I didn't know how to respond. I can relate very well with what you're feeling. Again, like Esther said, you're not alone. Not at all... There are many things in my life that have been throwing me to the ground lately. Things that I have kept trying to hide, or ignore. I built walls too... with an incredibly strong and durable material, called pride. Some of them are still standing... even after the last two weeks.
The reason I didn't know what to say in response was because I didn't want to just relate and present another case in point. I wanted to be an encouragement as well. (lofty I know)
You and I have reminisced many times about how we struggle... You've been a great encouragement to me as well. You've challenged me to stop ignoring things, and face the battle head on. You've inspired me to call out to God in my brokenness, and let go of my fear of transparency with Him. I think, getting to a place where we really recognize our sin and the damage it does to our relationship with God, is half the battle.

I wrote this dialog a few weeks ago... because it was me. Honestly, and openly. And that's honestly why I never posted it here. :o$ I think I shall now though... in the hopes that it'll help to show how broken I am:

How much, good Sir, would it cost me?

...for a life completely devoted to You?

"Everything."

...*everything*? How can anyone possibly ever give up everything?

"It is possible. Is there something other then me that you love? Is there something you want to hold on to?"

...Yes... a few things. I want my lust and the pleasure it brings... I also want the pride I feel; my pride helps me realize I am someone special, someone who's worth a second glance, even someone who's admirable... I especially want my image, my ego, and the confidence of this face I put forth...

"So you want all this? You want to keep these things I have spoken against?"

...Yes. For a long time I've held on to all of these... I can keep ignoring conviction. See, I *have* tried to let go of them. But it's so hard... can't I just keep them...? I promise they will not get between us. I know I can give everything else up...

"But I am Everything. I am Sufficiency, I am Completeness. Yet I am none of those things you wish to have... I am what you sense with a chronic ache, the very unknown you long for. I am love, I am Joy and Peace. I am pleasure, and I am security. ...You know this though, you've been told this so many times. Think about it... I cannot be only part. What you want is to put me along side your lust, and have me content to sit in equality with it. Or beside your pride... You want what you can take from me, without having me."

...I...that's not true! I want to serve You! I want to call You my Master, my King... But how can a
simple human like me just give up everything that makes up who I am?? How can you possibly expect me to live here, with everyone else, and not have anything in common with them? You must be able to see it all around me... I can't even go through a grocery store checkout without being surrounded by cold metal racks covered with fuel for my hungry lust! And pride... where would I be without it?? I need it, I need to let others see my best, because otherwise I will fall... they'll leave me in the corner and I'll be nothing. Even if I relied completely on Your strength, and committed completely to living without these things, I couldn't do it! It wouldn't work! I'm not capable of being perfect, or without sin!

"It's not about you being perfect... It is about my Grace for You. It's about surrender... I am a perfect Master and Friend. I am a perfect Lover. But you need to let go of your addiction to sin, you need to fully step under the overhang of my Grace... Read your bible... look at the words I caused to be written there!
"For lust is a shameful sin, a crime that should be punished. It is a devastating fire that destroys to hell. It would wipe out everything I own" (Job 31:11-12)
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18)"

...but I've tried so hard to yield my entire life to You! It hasn't yet worked... It's just a sick cycle of failure after failure, and after each time, I grope to my feet for another failure. I'm growing tired of it. I hate this!!!!

"I am your strength."

...I know that! But why then am I still growing weary??? Why don't You *BE* my strength??!!

"My dear child... put your struggle in my arms. I am waiting here to help you up, to be your strength... but you must make the first move."

...I don't understand!! I can't even physically see you! How can I take something that I can't touch, and put it in your hands which I cannot see?? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do! You say I must make the first move... but I don't know what that is!

"Learn to know me, son. If you truly want to leave your sin, then seek me.
You always try and figure things out before you'll accept them... before you'll do them. Your faith is so small. All I want you to do is step out, out from behind those walls you've slaved over."

...but look at me!!! I'm surrounded by walls! I can't even climb over them anymore! Why are you taunting me???

"Charles, listen to me. Stop trying to figure out how. Faith is being sure of things unseen. I've told you so many times that I am your strength. I am everything you need. Those walls are nothing to me."

...then what do you want me to do??? How can I break out of this? How can I truly give it all up to you?

"Just seek me. And when you start to know me, you'll see what I've given you. You'll see what I've done for you. I want you to leave your sin behind, and come to me."

...I am!! I'm trying to! I want to have faith as well! But I don't know how!

"You've worked so hard to keep your sin secret. You've covered yourself in so much false humility to keep people from seeing your rotting heart. I'll help you get out of it all, but you need to make the first move. Pick up that hammer, and start trying to break those walls."

...it won't work. I don't have the strength.

"I'll give you the strength. Just trust me, and start! Uncover your sin, and stop being afraid of what people will think! You are not responsible to them, you are responsible to me! I am your King, I am the one you should fear. Your sin does not harm them, it harms ME!"

...okay... I'll try it.

"I want you to tell someone who you think can't see your sins. Here, I'll even give you the perfect chance... I'll open a brilliantly blunt door for you. Look."

...WHAT!??? You've got to be joking!!! There is no way in hell I'm going to tell that person! They will never trust me again! I'll never be able to show my face there again! It will destroy everything that I've worked so hard to do! It'll destroy my place of belonging! I will be seen as a sick, rotten person! It'll destroy my life!!

"That is the hammer, my son. I'm waiting to help you with it. You are letting your pride speak; you're letting your Self still control you. Remember, you made me the King of your life... If you meant that, then do as I say. It's up to you. Pick up the hammer. Trust me. I am the strength you need. Choose now whom you will serve..."

...how can you ask me to do this???

"I love you. I want to remove the great distance you've put between us. I want to give you everything, including freedom. Stop allowing your Self to rule you. I will help you. Trust me."

...I... don't want to do this!! I don't see how I can!

"Then trust me. It is for freedom that I have set you free!! I have set you free already! But you need to walk..."

...okay. Okay, fine. I'm too tired to keep arguing... I need your freedom. This is going to destroy me though. I'm going to lose everything. I'm going to fall apart, completely broken.

"Yes, yes you are. You're already broken. But I'll take all of it. I'll take all of you, and I'll restore you. Trust me. Seek me, in your brokenness."



I was still living the dialog as I wrote it... I still am. I'm broken, and I'm a mess. But my King, my God, my amazing Lover, is looking down on me right now, and He sees me as His beautiful creation.
He's already picking up the pieces, and starting to help me discover the joy of communion with the one who created me.
But I still have bits and pieces of my walls, that need to be removed. In fact, there is still a lot. And I'm still exhausted. Ask those who can look into my eyes in person... I look weary. I am. But God is still offering His help. My pride, my sin, is nothing for Him to battle. But He won't do it without me... I'd just go back and build them up again. It HAS to be my choice. I have to be the one who continues pushing forward. Pressing on. Walking on. I'm falling every day. I get distracted. I run back in fear. I start to hide behind more pride. I'm an incredibly dumb, and pathetically stubborn idiot! I have nothing. But I know what I need to do. I need to seek God.
So simple. Just seek Him. Read His word. Pray... and listen. Go to those around me who He's placed in my life to help build me up, and share with them. Pray with them. There is amazing power in that. God's power, and blessing. I must learn to live openly, and daily attack my pride. Transparency is what being a Christian is all about! Sure, people will see us for who we are, and we'll burn with redness in embarrassment. But we will find the strength and encouragement to continue seeking God. He is the One we need to please.
I did actually tell that person of my sin. It was SO freakin' hard to say the words... to explain my sin plainly, because I knew it was someone who didn’t struggle with that sin. But God gave me the strength. He also used those around me to encourage me in doing it. He helped me. He did it through me. That person was wonderful... though it was a great disappointment to them, and they condemned the sin for what it was, they still loved me. They still encouraged me, and prayed with me. They still look at me with love in their eyes. I can't understand it. And it's very uncomfortable for me at times to have people see me so plainly... But I have found freedom from that sin ever since I told that person.
I find that each day a new chance… to spend on my knees crying out to God for strength. And He gives it.

Thank You Derek for your honesty, thank you for challenging me.
I am so thankful for all of those of you who God has placed in my life, to help me through. Thank you. :o)

I hope this comes as an encouragement…

2 Corinthians 13:14

'Look out for those youth in Asia, they can be deadly'

-Looking for work.
-Been reading my bible almost every day (a must do).
-Slowly going through math.
-Still finding myself trying to keep control on all the things that've made up my life for the last little while... yet God is helping me give them up piece by piece.
-Feeling broken, yet blessed in all the best ways.
-Got sun in my eyes... nice.
-Starting to learn how to become a warrior poet.
-Regaining my focus.
-Gonna do some spring cleaning in this old beat up heart of mine... in the fall. ;o)
-Drinking my tea without milk.
-I still have a cold.
-Running out of money, but my bank card is working again.
-Still got a lousy memory.
-I need exercise, I'm terribly out of shape.
-Need to treat my family better...
-Cleaned my room. Finally.
-Still can't believe I'm going to a friend's wedding in two weeks.
-Getting smooth with a standard, at last!
-Hate paying for my cell phone.
-Need some good books to start reading, and never finish.
-Can't think of anything to get my brother for his birthday... Gonna ask him to postpone it.
-Gotta leave now for Awana.

Happy Birthday?

Well, it's Sarah's birthday today. But it's a bit late to wish her a happy day once more, since the day has only about 20 minutes left on it. But what's a birthday without those around you speaking up about how they've been blessed by you? ...so in a small way, that's what I was hoping to do here. Words can do a lot, but without honesty or inspiration, they are empty.
What can I say to her life, except of what I've seen? Many times I've wished I could somehow describe the amazing displays of beauty that I see in the lives of my friends... Things that they do, or say which reach out and touch me where it matters most, like the final piece of puzzle, fitting perfectly into a void.
So many times Sarah, you've stood by and watched me make a fool of myself. So many times you've seen me fail. Yet each time, you've reached out and given me a hand back up, and you forgave my stupidity. You've let God speak to me through what you say. You've even cried with me over pain that life has thrown this way. You have been to me, a sister, a friend, and a fellow pilgrim. Thank you.
I find the 'Pilgrim's Progress' anology very profound... we are on a journey, a pilgrimage. There is one path that we need to follow, though it nearly fades at times. And those we meet along this path... those who are traveling it for the same purpose... are the people God sends to help us. The best part is that, though we've come from different places, carrying many different memories, we are all bound for the same place. That is a forever friend. ...and that is a cool thought.

Anyways, before I completely fall off the face of the coherent world... I want to wish Sarah a very wonderful year to come, and all the blessings God can dream of. :o)

G'night all you people... fast asleep, and happily dreaming. (I hope)
*grumbles about sleeplessness*

Vanilla Yogurt

...it's been a crazy weekend. Yesterday a group of us wented to Vancouver for Sarah's birthday party, which was fun. Long day... but we got some awesome pictures. :oD
And today was something else. I managed to stumble out of bed and get to church with everyone else, then after, we did a 'young peoples' BBQ, and then sat around waiting in town for another hour and a half. It was all crazy. Now I'm ready to fall in some comfy chair and stay there for at least a couple weeks.


'Have you ever felt this way before?,
Cause I don’t want to hide here anymore,
Take me to a place where nothing’s wrong, and,
Thanks for coming, shut the door
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you’re real then save me Jesus,
Cause I’ve been this way, for far too long,
I wasn’t meant, to feel alone'
-TFK

In the name of fearless publishing

...fearfulness of critique is perhaps the greatest roadblock of writing; both of excellence and dismal failure.

'Could a blog replace dreaming?'

Blog surfing is interesting... sometimes you find posts that are so convoluted you wonder if those with a tendency to dither around on the computer all night have been taken over by the mind's natural need to reorganize itself, so they type posts they ordinarily would have dreamed instead. Like this one. I've been contemplating the meaning of blogs, and why someone would feel compelled to write in one, for the last hour and a half. For many people, in many different blogs, I've come across numerous instances of blogmasters asking the same question.

'Why do I blog?'

It's something of an ironic question.... though, more of an afterthought for those asking and blogging at the same time. And yet, this question of blogs is a thought provoking one. Many of my posts are started by simple ponderings on a variety of subjects, and others are inspired by a need to express emotions or circumstances. Either way, why do I write them down here in my blog, presumptuously publishing each heartfelt word for the intensely fascinated world to view? The problem comes when one starts to ponder the question of readership.

( Headline: 'Accidental studies indicate rapidly increased percentages of cyberworld depression and denial, due largely to inflated proportions of blog publishing, coupled with a severe lack of perceived audience.' )

If I knew beyond a doubt that not a single person would browse through the various thoughts, ideas, and sentiments expressed here -during at least sometime this year- I seriously doubt I'd post anything. It seems simple to boldly proclaim that the reason bloggers blog is to share with their readers whatever is on their minds. But is it that simple? People who know most of their readers in face to face situations, generally seem much more intent upon relaying general information with their readers. Things like what was consumed for meals, newly acquired belongings, and what was done in a day’s fun. Whereas those who seemingly write to the general cybermasses, seem to prefer talking abstractly about emotions they're feeling, or generally commenting on the virtues and sufferings of life. You'd probably find many more descriptions of face to face relationships in the experience of these people, then you would from those writing to a more focused audience.

The thing with either group though is... the people one would write about, are usually people they know well... people who play a part in their lives. And to follow that to its logical conclusion... these would be the same people they encourage to read their blogs. That could put bloggers in a difficult position... think about it. It would be like someone writing an autobiography, and then letting all their friends, who are still alive, read it. If they knew they were all gonna read it, I'll wager that they would consider very carefully what they would and would not say about each of those people. So then they'd be faced with the trick of writing fearlessly, honestly, and interestingly, about their life and the involvement of each of these people in it.... While still withholding all the thoughts and impressions that they would never want to share with any of them. That could become quite a problem. They'd be left with a somewhat limited pool of experiences with which to write about. They're also left with the nagging question: "Am I honestly, and fearlessly, and interestingly sharing with these people, or am I merely catering to what I think they'd like to hear?" ...a good question, non? But what of the answer? If people are indeed just writing what they think should be heard... why are they writing it? What's the point of writing to people, just for the sake of writing to them? I suppose it could be fun... but really, if they created a blog out of a need or desire to unload once in a while, then putting forth false information is ridiculous!

'I know! I'll pretend to write about someone none of them know and really I'll be writing about myself but all of what I write will be from so deep down that they will have never glimpsed it before so they'll never guess I'm really writing about myself!'
...That's a great idea! That way you'll get to share all about yourself!

But hey! Blogging can't be all confusing and public can it? Why not put subliminal messaging in one's posts? What about posts with all kinds of double meanings and inside jokes that outsiders think are funny? That'd be cool... Think of the secrecy one could employ! Perhaps one day we'll learn that the government has automated 'blog scanners' intent upon uncovering the latest blogspiracy.

Alright, alright! Sorry, I'm getting carried away. I shall suffice further only to make my closing remarks...

Blogs seem to be the newest coolness these days... but what if they continue into the years to come as an ever growing method of expression? What would happen if eventually, blogging became as ramped as emailing? Cyberworld would contain the largest library of individual authors ever collected. It would all be out there... for anyone to see. Billions of blogs... telling billions of stories. 'They' would undoubtedly be forced to institute a worldwide holiday spanning a millennium, to give people a chance to read all those blogs.

Blogging is special. No doubt about it.

On Silence

...I was gonna post here, but I just decided silence is all you're gonna get for now. Sorry folks.
Violence can be good for writing... it can also be good for other things. I'm gonna go running or something....

Dominion

Ever noticed how the mornings can be incredibly serene? If it wasn't for the wind, still gently pulling at the tree branches outside my window, this would be the most serene of mornings.
It's a dejected morning. Beneath the hollow distraction of the wind, there is a calm anticipation. Greyish light permeates the air, like a low mist over a swamped field waiting for a brilliant sun to break over the horizon. A fog of excitement and fear hang, as if frozen, waiting with baited breath for the inevitable sunrise.
Thus I wait. Somewhere amidst the quiet uncertianty that still rests over my emotions, is the joy that I've all but forgotten about. Somewhere over the horizon of scarred beliefs, God is ready to shine down upon my heart and drench it's hillscapes and meadows in joy. Like the awakening of a frost laden ground, in the brilliantly warm yet gentle exposure of morning sun.
This is the morning I've been waiting for. This is the turning point of God's Kingdom over my life. He's already started fighting back the dark emptiness that I have let invade this country.

Last night David and I had an awesome time of prayer... as two men desiring to see God sit fully over the throne of our lives; to give Him dominion over everything we are. That is where the freedom lies. This God whom we talk about so often... He is everything. I don't think we'll ever fully understand that until heaven, but for now, take a second look.


...despite everything, I think today is gonna be hard to get through. I'm really tired, and I've got alot of work to get done. Late night last night, and after giving my brothers car another boost earlier this morning, I haven't been back to sleep. :oS
Anyway... I need to spend some time in my bible this morning.

Your Love

...it's one of those days. Only this one I've never seen before, and it all seems strange.

Your Love

Your love is an ocean

Too vast to comprehend

Your love is a mystery

One I'll never understand

You see what I can't see

As You watch me from above

Everything I'll ever need

Everything I long to be

The very air I breathe

Is found in Your love

Deeper than the deepest sea

Your living water runs in me

My very heartbeat

Is found in Your love
Your love is the rising sun

That burns from dusk to dawn

Your love is the silver moon

In darkness Your light is drawn

You hold eternity

And at the same time You hold me

I am consumed to think that You

In all Your Majesty

Would be consumed with me

-Sierra

...Beautiful song.

Sex and Intimacy

Here I am thinking, and ranting again about things that I have not learned from first hand experience... and I know that talking about something will never fix a problem, but perhaps by verbalizing things, I'll be able to gain more of a proper perspective with which to walk into life's challenges. ...don't worry if that didn't make any sense, I'm still trying to figure it out. ;o)

I heard this Christian speaker a while ago, talking about what people called the 'Sexual Revolution'. He was saying that in actual fact, the sexual revolution was really a cultural search for intimacy. Which is an interesting idea... and it got me thinking about how twisted the current view of sex is. People search for intimacy in sex... and what they end up with is pain and loneliness. Sex is splashed all over the faces of our media though. It's given the spotlight, and we start to forget that there is more to man/woman relationships. We forget that sex is merely the icing on the cake of intimacy for which marriage was established. The bible parallels marriage with Christ's relationship with His church... Which, I daresay, is NOT sexual in any way. I think, ultimately, and despite ourselves, Christians have largely stopped looking at marriage in the context of a threesome. I'd even say that us Christians have tacked for an easier course, and looked to the false winds of sexual gratification to fill the sails of marriage. In plain language... we've let ourselves get caught up in the world's view of marriage, to the point where we start to see marriage as a way to have sex without sinning. But think about it... a plate full of sweet icing, with no cake, gets really sickening after a short time. The sugar, without the filling substance of the cake ultimately leaves us unsatisfied and feeling sickly. So it is with sex that is used to replace intimacy. If we lose the essence of marriage, which I believe is intimacy, then we will lose one of the greatest glimpses of the kind of intimate fulfillment that will be found in heaven, with God. But on the course we've set now, we're headed straight for the extinction of marriage.
I think if we really dug into what the bible says about marriage, intimacy and sex, we'd find that God looks at the whole thing from a much different angle. What if we could change our view of sex and intimacy so far around that we could see that both start with a personal relationship with God? If we put sex in it's proper place, it suddenly leaves a empty spotlight that we need to fill with something else... which might be why we're not so interested in doing that. But if we try and put intimacy back into the essence of marriage, then we'd be much closer to finding the beauty of marriage. Even managing to put intimacy back into the focus of marriage still isn't enough though, because intimacy based only on our human abilities will fall apart, and is not actually true intimacy. True intimacy can only be found in our relationship with God, non? And if that's true... then before we could ever have intimacy in marriage, with another human, we would need to have established an intimate and real relationship with God. And this is where it gets immediately relevant to people my age... and, really, people of any age. I don't know anyone who doesn't have a longing for intimacy. But I wonder how many people, other then myself, sometimes believe that marriage or sex is the answer to that longing? How could someone who lives in this world, in this culture, possibly maintain a proper view of intimacy? Well, I suppose the answer to that is the same as above, 'become intimate God'. For myself though... that's pretty darn tough sometimes. I struggle with finding the motivation to continually seek after God, and intimacy with Him. It takes a lot of effort sometimes, and I don't always feel like putting in that effort. But that's what it all comes down to... and I think that if we really began to become intimate with God, sharing our deepest desires, emotions and dreams, (and by the way, 'sharing' means just that... we need to be aware that God has dreams, emotions and desires as well. Intimacy isn't a one-way street... if we're to become intimate with God; we need to listen to Him. We need to read His very intimate love letter to us, and learn about what is on God's heart.) we'd discover something so amazing and fulfilling that we would have no trouble being motivated to keep seeking a deeper relationship!
When God brings marriage into my life, I will be so much better able to devote myself to becoming intimate with my wife if I already have experienced true intimacy with God first. All the time and energy I put into my relationship with God now, will benefit my marriage relationship because the intimacy will already be established... all I'll need to do is let my wife in on it! Imagine how much better equipped I'll be to maintain an intimate relationship with the girl of my dreams, if I could learn first hand from God! And if both of us are getting more and more intimate with God... we'll only draw closer to each other. And when that is happening, our sex will be simply inexplicably amazing!! Think about it! The intimacy will already be there... the physical part of sex will not be our tool of intimacy. It will be an amazing reinforcement of that intimacy, and the whole marriage will benefit. And to be honest... I'm really looking forward to experiencing that kind of intimacy!

Intimacy starts now. I can see how God has put me in a position to seek Him with all of my being, I'm gonna do that. At least, I'm going to strive for that.

...I had more I wanted to say, but I'm tired now and I'm drawing a blank.
Thanks for reading...

God bless!

'I'll bring some laughter to dry your tears'

Last night at bible study was very awesome... I didn't really wanna go because I wasn't feeling very much like focusing on God. :oS But like always, I was glad I'd gone... Focusing on God was just what was needed. We prayed for over an hour and a half, and then had about five minutes for the study. *grins* What kind of a bible study doesn't get around to studying? ...in this case, one that puts a great emphasis on prayer. :oD God said that 'where two or three are gathered in my name, I will be there' ... last night there was 15 of us gathered in His name, and He was definately there! It was an incredible time. :'o)

Anyway... moving on for variaty's sake... I learned a new word yesterday! It was crazy... The only trouble is I don't remember what it was or what it means. :o:o$
"You couldn't have learned it, then!! you say...
Ah, but I did learn it! I just can't find the appropriate file... It's somewhere in my brain. :oD I'll find it oneday. Maybe.

...and now I gotta get ready to leave for a picnic... Not really sure where it's gonna be, though.
I haven't been on a picnic for ages though! At least... not oldstyle... you know, like checkered blanket with crisp fold lines running slightly lopsided to the checks on lush green grass, atop a mild hill, with ants dropping in when you least expect them, and the wicker basket filled with sandwhiches and cookies, the little thermos Teapot and mugs, that weird mustard stuff with a french name that I don't know how to spell, beautiful blue skies blotted with clouds, warm breezes, complete with a chorus of bird song, and delighted laughter from a group of family and friends....
...and now I have to go really quick 'cause we've gotta leave in 2 minutes and I'm not at all ready to go and mom wants me to get the cooler and I gotta put socks on and get ready to pretend I'm good at understanding people with a stronge accent....

God bless!

Wow

Last night I was sitting in a puddle of dispair... I was focused in on all the sin I had allowed into my life, and feeling utterly helpless.

This morning.... David was online and I found myself sharing with him about my sin. He pointed me to Ephesians 6:10-18... a passage that I have not read or thought of for a long time. It's amazing how God can speak to us through friends... what an amazing piece of scripture. So right then.... I knelt down and prayed through the passage, and I put on the full armor of God. And now I have a joy and a peace that I have forgotten about! It may sound strange... 'cause it's such a simple thing... but here I am, utterly overjoyed and amazed at the answer to the means by which we can die to our old selves and live new lives as pleasing offerings to God. Put on the full armor of God, and stand firm! It's something that can be so hard to see when I'm stuck in a downward cycle of falling to sin... but it's for Freedom that Christ has set us Free. He's set me free from the chains of sin... and I'm going to live in that Freedom. I know I will fall again... and I know I'm at a high point now, and saying this is somewhat easy. But the will to fight has to start somewhere. I'm starting now. God help me to seek You with everything I am. :o) :'o)

(Thank You David, for your encouragement... and thank you for letting God speak through you)

God bless!

running as fast as I can to catch my train of thought

Learning To Breathe

'Hello, good morning, how you do? What makes your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too All of my regrets are nothing new So this is the way that I say I need You This is the way that I'm Learning to breathe I'm learning to crawl I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall I'm living again, awake and alive I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies Hello, good morning, how you been? Yesterday left my head kicked in I never, never thought that I would fall like that Never knew that I could hurt this bad So this is the way that I say I need You This is the way that I say I love You This is the way that I say I'm Yours This is the way, this is the way'

-Switchfoot